Bad Apple – A Tale of Steve Jobs the Evil and Cowardly Apple

Evil AppleNormally I try to keep my ichor and ire towards the unfriendly like business practices between the big boys of the computer world. After all, in the end, I still have to design for them regardless of my opinion. Yet, every so often there comes such a cowardly and evil action perpetrated by one of the big boys that I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

O.K., many people that know me would say I can’t keep my mouth shut anyway but I’m still gonna rant about just how cowardly and evil Steve Jobs and his precious Apple patents are being. And before I get accused of being with one faction or the other I belong to the “Right Tool for the Right Project” faction. In other words, I use them all when I need to use them.

If you’ve been following any of the number of technology sites you’ll have seen the huge number of lawsuits that Apple has filed against Android usage devices in general, in this instance specifically HTC.

Basically this is what happened:

A judge decided that HTC has infringed on a list of patents [see the charts here] that belong to Apple. Some of them are pretty detailed and, in fairness, do appear to be infringed upon. Keep in mind that I’m not an attorney and I’m doing the craziest thing possible, I’m using observable common sense in this mess. The ones that are ruffling my feathers, and should be ruffling the feathers of the big boys in the tech world, are the ones that are generally worded, loose descriptors, vague tech descriptions. In fact, these very vague, yet specifically worded, patents are the ones that the judges are saying were infringed.

Maybe they were and maybe they weren’t…

After all, if I file a patent such as so:

A methodology in which a self identifying organic presence shall utilize a system of sequitor, nonsequitor, declarative and or such labeling system that specifically self identifies in such naming convention that it should be clear that such organic presence is clearly define and by extension such organic qualities, specification, factual or fictional that may be applied to inorganic self identifying system/methodology.

If the Patent Office was stupid enough to grant me this patent then I can effectively sue for financial compensation for every instance that self identification is used.

In other words, every time you used “I” you’d owe me money, every time you presented your ID you’d owe me money, every time you took a picture of yourself you’d owe me money. Further more, I could sue every government agency in the U.S. [forgot to file it as an international patent so I can’t sue outside the U.S.] for the creation of IDs.

To sum up, my fake patent language sounds very specific in what it is patenting; but, is actually a very broad spectrum of common everyday, can’t really get around it, type of stuff that I really should have no right to patent. Or, at least, not be able to collect financial reparations or use it as a tool to stop you from being able to self identify.

AndroidWell this is exactly what has happened with these Apple patents. Steve Jobs apparently doesn’t have the confidence in his own product to feel that they can contend with the big bad green Android Army marching in on the Apple market share [read this Android Is Destroying Everyone, Especially RIM — iPhone Dead In Water]

I’d like to take a step back in my rant and make something clear before I go on. I’m not attacking Apple product users. If it works for you and you’re happy with it good on you. I’d like to make it very clear that I am specifically attacking Steve Job’s / Apple’s poor choices in fair business practices. I am attacking the U.S. Patent Office for allowing not just one, but multiple patents that are so vaguely worded that they could be patents on breathing. I am also attacking the ITC judge that is ruling in such a way as to allow Apple to effectively violate, in a legal way, anti-monopoly, antitrust, anti-compete, and who knows how many other laws designed to protect capitalism and ensure a continued competitive market.

Quick note, I’m not saying that Apple shouldn’t be given some money for their legitimate patents as compensation for their use; they were smart enough to patent them. I am saying that Apple shouldn’t be allowed to directly block competitive products through use of vaguely worded patents that shouldn’t be enforce-able and that just because patent is infringed doesn’t give Apple the right to stop the competitive market; which is what they are doing. Steve Jobs’ and Apple are so cowardly and lack the faith in their own products that instead of being smart, like Microsoft [can’t believe I’m saying this] and licensing out their patents, or simply making a better product that cares about its users, Jobs / Apple are being techno wienies and hiding behind Crapple Patents.

Sad thing is that I used to respect Jobs and Apple. They had a clear technology plan. They did revolutionize the cellphone industry. The talked all of us into accepting that just small enough is exactly the right size. Jobs had no problem saying no when it made the Apple product better. Now, well Steve Jobs has been replaced by Steve Snobs founder of Crapple the makers of pansy patents and law suits.

Ya, ya, you’re right, I probably should of taken a more professional approach to this blog entry but you know what, if Steve Jobs, Apple, U.S. Patent Office, and the ITC judge that is making these harmful rulings can’t be respectful of a free market and competitive product environment then I really can’t be respectful in my commentary on them. Sure, I should take the high road but sometimes rolling around down here in the mud is just fine.

A word of caution Microsoft, RIM, HP, Dell and all you other folks that have created a device that utilizes a pointing device that detects structures in data and performs actions [a.k.a. computers in general and their process], when Apple is done trying to crush the Android competition they will come after you. After all, each of you have been in violation of these patents since before Apple actually owned them.

Oh, Crap! I just realized that I’m in violation Apple’s patents as I am a computer based system [my brain] for detecting structures in data [it’s called thinking] and performing actions based on detected structures [carrying on a conversation, combining information, living] an input device for receiving data; [my five senses] an output device for presenting the data; [my mouth / fingers] a memory storing information including program routines including an analyzer server for detecting structures in the data and for linking actions to the detected structures; [oh gawd, my brain is in double violation] a user interface enabling the selection of detected structure and a linked action; [it’s called asking me questions] and an action processor for performing the selected action linked to the selected structure; [damn, 3 patent violations from my brain] and a processing unit coupled to the input device, the output device, and the memory for controlling the execution of the program routines [that’s called a human living life].

Does this mean I should be contacting Apple to find out how I can export myself from life since my very existence is in violation of this Crapple patent.

Hey, has any one checked to see if Crapple owns a patent on organic bellows methods [a.k.a. breathing]?

P.S. Happy Birthday Mr. Stempeck.


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